


All I Want

by carmillatales



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: Angst, F/F, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmillatales/pseuds/carmillatales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quick one shot that involves Laura's feelings about Carmilla's past and Carmilla's feelings about the present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of angsty so sorry! I'll probably get back to my hsau soon so keep an eye out for it. I'd love to hear some feedback as it is always appreciated. Hope you all enjoy!

So yeah, maybe it was a little cliché but Laura just wanted to try and understand her girlfriend better. Carmilla hated that it had become kind of a joke amongst the current generation but that didn't lessen any of her feelings towards Albert Camus' "The Stranger". Though Carmilla's subtle references to it let her know that no translated version compared to the original French text, Laura decided to give it a shot anyway and had been reading it secretly in order to surprise her broody counterpart. 

She was nearing the end when she had come upon a line that made her stop. See the main character was in the middle of a heated conversation about life and death and God and what's important; his sadness was almost hard for Laura to read through. He gets asked what he thinks life after death will look like when he says, "A life in which I can remember this life on earth. That's all I want of it." That's when Laura had to stop, tears running down her cheeks unabashedly. 

She couldn't help but think of the girl who'd stolen her heart. The girl who had all the beauty and sorrow of three hundred some odd years within her. The girl who could easily break a girl like Laura Hollis but wouldn't dare. There weren't enough ways for Laura to express how much Carmilla meant to her and this book only reminded her of that. She knows that Carmilla opens up when she wants to and Laura respects her boundaries so she doesn't pry but she wished there were something she could do. Reading those two sentences alone made her wonder what Carmilla would remember, and more importantly what she wouldn't be able to forget. Hell, she'd already been in a coffin once, mind swimming with memories drenched in betrayal and death and hurt. She hurt so much. She still does. Laura knows that they're happy together but she also knows that a relationship that started almost a year ago wouldn't be able to erase that much hurt. She can't help the person she loves more than herself, and that's what hurts Laura the most. 

Consumed in her thoughts, she hadn't even noticed Carmilla walking in until she heard "Hey cupcake-" behind her. Before Carmilla could even finish her thought she knew something was wrong and was quickly worried about her girlfriend. That was the final straw, causing Laura to break down completely. 

"Hey, Laura Laura Laura, you're okay," Carmilla whispered as she quickly crossed the room and enveloped Laura in her arms. She could feel fingers brushing through her hair as she breathed in the all too familiar scent of coffee and jasmine and the slightest hint of cigarettes that always lingered far too long after they'd been put out. Laura was finally starting to steady her breathing.

Loosening her grip around the taller girls waist, she stepped back to look at the her: eyes wide with concern and longing and love. 

"What's wrong sweetheart?" she asked, her voice breaking the heavy silence. 

"You're gonna think it's stupid and-"

"Laura." Carmilla cupped her cheek and made her look directly into her eyes. "Do not make your feelings seem like less than what they are. Whatever you're going through is just as valid as whatever anyone else is going through. So it's not stupid and I would never think anything that upsets you is. Do you understand?" Laura nodded but felt worse. "That's the problem though, Carm. This isn't about me, it's about you."

Carmilla quickly retracted her hand and was about to step back before Laura corrected herself, "No, not that. Far from it actually. Can we sit?" Lacing their fingers together, Carmilla sat on her bed pulling Laura into her lap. She didn't initiate the conversation instead opting to rest her chin on the smaller girls shoulder, waiting until she was ready. 

In what came out as a jumble of words Laura quickly explained that she'd been reading "The Stranger" in order to surprise her until she reached a point where things got too heavy. "I'd been fine right up until the end and then there was this line about life after death and-"

"A life in which I can remember this life on earth. That's all I want of it." Carmilla said quickly filling in the blank. 

"Um, yeah. And I just..." Laura released a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding and continued. "I know that you've been through a lot of things, a lot of things. And of those things I know that the bad outweighs the good and I'm just so, so sorry. I wish there were a way for me to take that hurt from you even a little bit. I wish you could've lived a normal life and been happy like everyone else is supposed to be. I wish you could've had all those silly child and teenage and adult experiences that were taken from you because everyone deserves to have those. And god, I just wish so much for you and I always will because I don't know what you want after there's nothing left but I understand if you don't want to remember the life you've had on earth, and I just wish things had been different for you. I love you so much my heart could burst and for what it's worth, you Carmilla Karnstein, are all the good I could ever need to outweigh all my bad."

The arms around Laura's waist were getting tighter by the word and the tears in her eyes had blurred her vision. Laura was worried she might've crossed a line until finally Carmilla spoke, lifting her head that had been buried into Laura's chest.

"I think you're forgetting one important thing that also happened in my life on earth, and she's sitting right here in my arms" Carmilla's voice cracked as tears ran down her face. "I didn't have a normal life which is what I've always wanted. Being killed so young and soon after being forced into doing the things I've had to do...it took more of a toll on me than I had imagined. But now that I have this right here, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I'd do it a hundred times over. Though being what I am has always been more of a curse than a blessing, without it I would have never gotten to you. Being with you is the most normal and loved and full I've ever felt, including the time when I was human. All I've ever wanted is exactly what I have now and for that I am eternally grateful to you." 

Carmilla began wiping Laura's tears away using her thumb and in a voice loud enough for only Laura to hear she went on, "So in this life, the next, the one after and whatever else may be after that, all I will ever want to remember is you. All I will remember is you. You're it for me Laura. Forever." 

They were clutching onto each other almost desperately now, Laura's knees resting on either side of Carmilla's hips. Shirts were being stained with tears and gentle kisses were shared on shoulders and cheeks and lips. Carmilla pulled away and took Laura's face in both her hands. She looked at her like she put the stars in the sky, because to Carmilla she had. 

The heart that beat in Laura's chest was all that could be heard, and Carmilla could've sworn she felt something beating in her chest too.


End file.
